If I had to wake up and be out the door in 15 mins….I would panic.
Because I need at least 20 mins to do my makeup.
Because in spite of all the body positivity around us in the world at the moment, there isn’t enough talk about skin positivity.
I am 33 years old and I haven’t outgrown acne. It’s not just your normal, cure it with proactive acne. It is deep, cystic adult acne that is painful and scars in more ways than one. I’ve tried every product on the shelf. I’ve been to the dermatologist. Nothing helps. It just makes my skin even more angry. I only find relief in an occasional charcoal or cucumber mask.
Also now that I am in my 30’s, I am finding my skin losing elasticity, and the fine lines are emerging among my spots. When I look in the mirror in the morning, I cry inside.
I am not sure that I have ever posted a picture of myself bare faced. Or if I have, I have applied at minimum a Bare Minerals powder camouflaging my flaws or I’ve tilted my head in a way that conceals the worst of it. I follow so many inspiring individuals on Instagram. But I am sure that I have never seen anyone open about acne and scarring.
So here’s the thing….if I left the house without makeup, I fear people will assume things such as: I don’t practice good hygiene, I don’t wash my face enough, I don’t eat the right diet, I must wear TOO much makeup and clog my pores, I don’t go to the doctor, etc… I would feel the need to explain myself and all the medical reasons why I have still have it. “Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That!”
My explanation would be this: I have a genetic mutation (MTHFR) that prevents my body from processing folic acid/folate which results in my body not doing this thing called methylation. In simple terms, methylation is like the foundation for soooo many processes in my body (Like gas to make a vehicle run) :
- Hormone production….I have PCOS…..
- Immunity…..I get sick more often than others…..
- Processing histamines….I’m allergic to the world….
- Detoxification….I can’t rid of toxins so my body is constantly overloaded.
So yes, I have acne because my stupid hormones are out of whack and I’m dealing with toxic overload, which all comes out through my skin. Then I feel exhausted, anxious, and defeated, because now my brain can’t function properly because I’m also not properly producing neurotransmitters.
Not exactly great for feeling very confident.
My point in writing this today, is that there are so many skin conditions that people are living with and are feeling shame over. Acne, eczema, psoriasis, rosacea, vitiligo…just to name a few. This needs to be talked about more.
Makeup, itself, is not the enemy. I quite enjoy a stroll through Sephora in the middle of the week. I think of it as a creative art that allows for self-expression. I love that I can decide who I want to be that day and have it reflect in the makeup look I create in the morning. But I also shouldn’t fear being without it. I have an unhealthy dependence on it at the moment.
I am content in the body I have. I understand that I will always be a short, curvy girl, with a round face and soft tummy. I have no shame in being in double digit sizes. I’m okay with the fact the my size and weight fluctuates because of PCOS. I can be size 10 to 16 at any point in the year. I have multiple wardrobes to address this. It is what it is. I also credit the Instagram world for allowing me to see the beauty in others who are shaped just like me. Sometimes being able to see it in someone else will allow you to see it in yourself.
But while I feel like I have worked on accepting my body and not covering up my true self in terms of personality and character, I haven’t uncovered the most obvious thing about my appearance that I present to society.
Am I brave enough to face the world with a bare face?